The ‘Mental Load’ & Momming Hard

I remember, shortly after I had my son, I completely missed an email from a parent of one of my students. Over a week later, she reached out. I was totally mortified. I NEVER miss emails. Ever.

After apologizing profusely, she replied with an understanding response, which said,

“Some of what you have lost will never return.” 

WKR if you’re reading this, it was you :)

I recently read this article about the mental load for working mothers, and it really impacted me. I am still new—1.5 years in—to this full-time-working-momming thing. I work full time, and I mom full time. Two full time jobs? That’s right. I am not the only one.

Luckily, in this day in age, the average dad is taking on a much heavier load in terms of household duties. And quite honestly, my partner is a super-dad. We split child care and home care duties. He is as hands-on as it gets.

Still, my ‘mental load’ now that I have a child is, simply put, out of control. Because of the things I am tracking in my day-to-day life, my brain constantly feels like scrambled eggs. My ability to focus on one thing at a time is a thing of the past.

According to the article I mentions, women generally feel more of a burden from this mental load: work email, personal email. dishes, making lunches, the student I am worried about, potty training, dinner, giving the dogs their meds, meal planning, spending time with friends, exercise, that meeting tomorrow, planning a date night, saving for college, … and the list goes on and on.

This stuff in my head is always moving. I cannot turn in off.

Beyond the fact that it is not an option financially for one of the parents in my household to work less, as most of you who have started following my blog know, my career is important to me. I have worked incredibly hard to get to where I am in my work, and besides just that, I enjoy the work I do. Spending my days with middle schoolers brings me great joy.

I was fortunate to be able to take a generous (by American standards) 14-week maternity leave—some paid, some not. I really struggled during that time. I had/have postpartum anxiety (which I will save the details about for another blog), and that certainly contributed to my struggles. But mostly I missed my work. My work validates me. It doesn’t validate me to you, it validates me to me.

I am, and will always be, a full-time working mom.

So how do I make it all work? Here are some of the ways I stay sane:

1. Exercise. I exercise at least 6, sometimes 7 days per week. I make time for this by waking up at 5am. On the few days I don’t exercise, my mental state is noticeably less stable.
2. Meal Plan. This is one of my best mom-skills. Every Saturday or Sunday (depending on our social schedule), I meal plan, grocery shop, and prepare lunches for the week. I spend about 2-3 hours on the weekends preparing the food for the week ahead. It ensures that my entire family eat healthy meals, and it saves a ton of time and money during our crazy week days.
3. Sleep. Most of the hard work I put in during my days is to ensure that I can sleep at least 8 hours/night. I am one of those people who really needs at (as much as I have tried to fight this over the years). I am in bed by 9pm (or earlier) most nights.
4. Work at work, be home at home. I am present. When I am at work, I work. When I am at home, I am at home with myself and my family. I rarely let one thing bleed into the other.

Having a steady, regular schedule helps with mom brain. When the scrambled egg soup and anxiety start to take over, I turn to my routine. Mom brain and mental load are real, and they are here to stay. Acknowledging and talking about it will give all of use more tools for how to manage it all.